Green Tangerine

Hahahah! Just kidding!!! I made all that up about Whit, ahhaah. That was fun. All of it was fabricated. What actually happened today was completely different. Whit and I got a job together at Lees, the local grocery store and we're going to be working at the deli, both of us!!! It's awesome! So yeah, that last entry was completely fake just so you know. Hahaha, that was fun.

Watching part of "Sweet November" inspired me to just be a kid! I don't want to lose that. I ran outside without shoes or socks in the snow (because I was going to jump on the trampoline and I can't jump with shoes on) and I went up the hill and jumped while the water splashed from the tramp. I yelled, "Fuck being stale! Be a kid! Life isn't about winning or losing! It's about fun! Fun! It's about WOOOOH! Fun and WOOOH!!"

I'm going to make it a pact that every day I have to do something kid-like like that. It doesn't have to be big, but I at least have to do something that's just full of fun and kidness. Yeah, I'll forget, but I'll try my best.

Current Mood: excited for what's to come

Yeah, so I had a bad day today. Not in the morning, because I spent time with Britta since school had a late start but at the end of the day, I was with Miranda for about a half an hour looking up toons on the computer we could do in the combo and that fucking screwed with my head. Every minute, I liked Britta less and Miranda more and by the end I was completely for Miranda. That messed me up so much that I had to call Mike and talk to him about it. Now, since I haven't seen her for about three and a half hours, it has diminished a lot more and I'm leaning more towards Britta again. It's so fucking crazy and when I'm in that moment that I don't know what th hell to do, I really feel like nothing could ever get worse. But of course it could.

Dammit, I'm not a new man. FUCK!

Current Mood: Fuckballs

Today was a really really good day.

Current Mood: ecstatic

I am kinda [title of entry] about getting ready for this trip. Should I be getting stuff together. I think I have most of the stuff. But Dan Cox has the jazz fake book. I need to get that! I need it for Westport. Ah. I just don't know what to do. I just keep wanting to lazy away at my computer. I don't know. This is crazy. I'm ok. I'm just a fucked pig ready to be humped like a wet water hog.

I am a stuck pig.

I think my next entry will probably be when I'm at Westport. Maybe I'll say something before I leave but I'm sure, the next or the one after that will be one from Westy Porty. Wow. A long far haul but a good damn place to rest your feet.

I'm stressin' out!!! But I'm a warrior. And I can make it. I'm a warrior. I look up to people who have lots of money but want to help everybody - poor people and the like. That didn't really tie in much but I like them. I also like poor people. I think they should be helped. We need to help them get their act together.

I fucked a donkey last saturday and it said, "You went to far in. Now I'm NEVER going to talk to you again. Choke." It died.

Well, see ya.

Current Mood: stressed/fuzzy
Current Music: Nuthin' Baybe

TODAY I STARTED TAKING DRUGS!!!

Good drugs. Prosac stuff. It's called Fluoxetine and I'm taking the 20MG version. I HOPE IT WORKS! I will keep you updated somewhere! I KNOW IT! If I'm doing tons better I'll either tell you on this or in my journal that Britta gave me. Yeah, she wrote my journal, gave it to me and said, "This is your life." I read it and it was all about how I lost my job and stuff. So I just accepted that I had a job at one point and now I lost it. I didn't really get it. HAHA, no she gave me a book and told me to write anything in it. So I've writting in it and I'm almost a fourth of the way done.

I miss Britta!! Me at jazz camp and now she's at Unistar! AHH! She wrote me a letter and it came today though! I was so happy! And she didn't even know that I had sent her a huge letter without knowing she would send her letter.

Oh man I love looking at her pictures and seeing old movies. They make me feel so good.

Ok, I gotta go. I feel so fucking fucking bad about my picture looking. I'm so picky about how she should look.


Whatever. I hope I get better.

The Sandbox Trees of Camoren Village

A
Lifting from a memory,
My shadow mocks the solution,
Teardrops unfold under the sun,
I listen more than yesterday.

Falling from a sandbox tree,
A tear of hope invades my peace,
Bewildered hate surrounds the air,
The seed of joy I once had.

B
Calling it what I like,
Squalors of my past never die.

Calling it what I like,
Squalors of my past never die.

A
Molding to a previous thought,
A love that lived has sought to stay,
When I’ll come back that other time,
And trees will grow beneath my skin.

C
The eyes of Camoren village,
Grow to make my day,
With sandbox trees and varieties,
Cascading through a summer heat.
Down down below the surface,
Hailing in their woes,
All my ending loves,
Begin again.

The shades of Camoren village,
Grow to make my day,
With sandbox trees and varieties,
Derailing under sandy sheets,
Down down below the surface,
Screaming of their hues,
All my ending smiles,
Start up again.


B
Call it what I like,
Squalors of my past never lie.

Call it what I like,
Squalors of my past never lie.

A
Lifting from a memory,
My shadow mocks the solution,
Teardrops unfold under the sun,
I listen more than one day ago.

Falling from a sandbox tree,
A tear of hope invades my peace,
Bewildered hate surrounds the air,
The seed of joy I once had.






Breathe For Me

A
Fast on his feet,
For once he’s not alone,
A quail sings quietly,
And frequent in his speech.

B
Someone speaks of life,
And death seeps down a wall,
From hatred in his eyes I move,
And living makes its mark.

Rebels knock for time,
And time exists for less,
It must be sinking slowly now,
For now I must be gone.

A
Fast on his feet,
For once he’s made a friend,
A quail sings lustfully,
He’s less and less a beast.

B
Someone speaks of life,
And death seeps down a wall,
From hatred in a rhyme I lift,
And dying sets its heart.

Devils stay for more,
And hurting sends its fear,
My love is dying endlessly,
For now it must be gone.

C
For now I must be gone,
It must be gone,
It must be gone.

For now I must be gone,
It must be gone,
I did it wrong,
I did it wrong.

D
Find me your love so I can smash it up,
Find me your love so I can tear it into nothing more,
Find me your greatness all your fearless qualities,
So I can rip all them apart and sell them all to someone new.

E
B-reathe!
B-reathe!
B-reathe!
For no one but me!

B-reathe!
B-reathe!
B-reathe!
For no one but me!

A
Fast on his feet,
He’s found his sacred place,
A quail moves tauntingly,
He’s less and less a beast.

F
I’m less and less a beast,
I’m less and less a beast,
I’m less and less a beast,
B-reathe!

I look at your sundried eyes






These are both lyrics to songs I haven't written. The last line here, "I look at your sundried eyes" was something different but maybe I'll include it in the song or something. I made whit say "eyes" repeatedly and then I sang the first words and they joined to make, "I look at your sundried eyes."

I wrote all these lyrics on June 19, 2005

Current Mood: inspired
Current Music: The imagination of what these songs will become

Nothing is more meaningful than something intended to be meaningful.


Side note not really relating:

I told Britta today that when we go to college, we should leave it open. She agreed and said that she told herself before that that would be best. It went well. I'm glad.

There are so many leaves on a tree. But there are also thousands of trees.



She said to me, "It's funny, it's weird to think that we're kind of future separating". That was not a completely accurate quote. Then I said, "But separating is not the same as breaking up." She agreed and reminded me that married couples can say they are separating and that's different from divorce. Then she laughed. I'm not sure why...but I'm kind of analyzing that, wondering why - did she laugh because she's thinking, "Well, when married couples separate, they kind of are separating but aren't really saying it yet," and maybe she was thinking that but even if that, I'm sure she wasn't thinking that when we do that separate thing for college, we are actually breaking up. Don't worry Stoddy. Everything just fine (What Dad of Rosemarry said in Shallow Hal).

Cherio.

Current Mood: New

Britta, what an absolutely amazing girl. I cannot believe I found someone like her to hold me and care for me like this. I mean I am really inching up to that unconditional love thing. This is really going some place strong, I can feel it. I can see it. Britta is out all day and she comes home after a long day of hard work or something like that and she comes in, puts her keys on a main dresser thing across from the wall of the front door right where two walls meet and make like a 120 degree angle. But whatever, she puts her keys down and takes off her sweater. Then I walk towards her and she sees me and smiles. We say, "Hey," to each other and I say, "Hey sweetie." We lightly kiss once and tell the other that we love each other. I just love that idea of her coming home like that. Ah, it's so wonderful.

See yahhh.

Current Mood: So fucking in love.
Current Music: The constant fart movement through my pants. Actually, no.

If I think about it, there have been all kinds of journal entries about Britta, and I bet almost every single one has Britta mentioned in it, in fact, almost every single one probably is ONLY about her...only some maybe not totally about her. But now, listen to this. I have a huge good/missing/LOOOOOVE feeling in my tummy for that glorious girl and I WANT HER!!! I want her here! She has to be here next to me. I need her. She needs to be here. Because I love her. And here's a poem I will read to her when I get the chance.


Credible Knowledge

When you're gone,
How can I do my homework,
How can I function,
How can I even get myself to stand up straight.

When you're not here,
I'm not alone,
I'm with you,
You're just not in the room.

No matter how many times it has been said,
No matter how many people think we are only teenagers,
No matter how many battles there are to conquer,
No matter how many stars or gallaxies there are to explore,
I know that I love you and that's credible knowledge to me.

When you're gone,
How can I act like a human being,
How can I have an insentive to be caring,
How can I even pretend that I am complete.

When you're not here,
I'm not alone,
I'm holding you,
You're just not in the room,

No matter how many living things exist on this planet,
No matter how many years it will take to have peace on Earth,
No matter how many words there are in the English language,
No matter how many trees are cut down every day,

I know that I love you and that's credible knowledge to me.

Current Mood: In love, but stressed - school
Current Music: Keith Jarret - Something To Remember You By

I saw a movie with mom, dad and Britta yesterday (Guess Who) and in the movie, there was this talk about a girl being this guy's other half that he never knew about and that makes him a whole person now. I was thinking about that and trying to relate it to Britta and me. Well, I came up with something that I find very true. I told Britta about it when we were at Dreamcoat Cafe.

I used to think that I was all that. I have always had a big ego and believe that I had everything I needed to be happy. Well, after I met Britta, I am now realizing that she has introduced me to a WHOLE NEW world and part of myself that I had never had before. I mean, I was too much in myself to really focus on the whole span of other people's lives. She opened my eyes to the caring of everybody else and made me want to help more and more people. Being a unitarian, she believes in so many wonderful things that to me seem to sum up to the eternal gernerosity of all people. I mean, because I am and have been dating her, I believe that is why I donated 200 dollars to the Tsunami Relief Charity at school and why I now want to help homeless people by providing them with food or any other life-saving things (maybe even as simple as making the homeless shelters more clean and liveable) and then write a book with Britta about homeless people and how they should be helped because they are not just stupid people who don't have a chance. They have potential and I want to show that to everyone. I want to get the book published and change the world with my girlfriend...who saved my life.

Current Mood: lovely
Current Music: Blah!

HAHAHAH!!!!!!! Today, I had a talk with this guy on the phone and it was the weirdest thing ever. He called and asked for Matt, so of course I said, "ahhh, you have the wrong number." BUT HAHAH! He reacted so weirdly. It was like I was the feather that had just enough weight to make the buss fall off the cliff. After I told him he had the wrong number, there was some silence and then it sounded like he started to cry or something. Then he went on telling me how he thought it wouldn't even help to talk to Matt because he knew it wouldn't do any good at all or something. I think Matt was his son or something like that because the guy was saying that he tried so hard but now they were drifting apart. I just kept saying like, "Ah, I'm sorry," and stuff like that. But it was so funny because Britta was there with me and she kept looking at me and didn't know what was going on. I was giving her these funny stares like I wasn't so sure either and telling her with facial expressions that this was a weird-ass call.

So, this guy went on and on for about five-ten minutes...around there and then the funniest part happened. Well, I guess it wasn't really funny, it was actually sad but I just couldn't help thinking it was funny. But he said, "Ok, I can't wait anymore. Just give Matt the phone. I just want to talk to him about something." He must have thought that I pretended it was the wrong number so Matt wouldn't have to talk...something like that. So, I did not know what the hell to say. But I just had to do it. I pretended that Matt was right there next to me and said, "Matt, come on. He just wants to say a few words." But then of course he wasn't actually there so I said to the guy, "Ah, I don't know. He just doesn't want to talk. I'm sorry. Then he hung up. HAHH! When I told Britta about this, she started laughing a lot but managed to say, "That's so sad," inbetween laughs.

I'm just kidding. None of that happened.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Noooothing.

I am so in love.

Current Mood: loved
Current Music: Blues For Salvador - Santana

I just got freakingly scared because Whit tipped over the stool, but otherwise I found the motherfuckers! Damn mother DAMN WAMMY! I didn't find them though, sorry for that. WHIT DID!! He came out of my room with two pairs of glasses on. He told me he found them near the bath in the little crevis thing on the side. I LOOKED AROUND THE BATH BUT NOT THERE!!!!!!!!!! Goddam motha! I can't believe I have them. How unlucky am I to be right above the journal entry of saddness where I didn't have them. I couldn't find them for a total of about ten and a half hours!!! Since around 12:50 to 11:20 (you had to figure out if that were ten and a half hours right) WELL, THEY ARE ON MY WONDERFUL FACE NOW!!!!! WOOOHOOOO!! Sorry, little guys. And I took a bath this morning! THIS MORNING!! I just didn't look where I put them a lot when I take a bath. I cannot believe that. Well, see ya, I might be talking to Britta today and also I will be helping Whit with the cleaning of the cabinet near the TV. I'm not sure how long though.

Current Mood: rejuvenated

I am so fucking MAD RIGHT NOW!! MY GODDAM GLASSES ARE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND!!! I have been looking since 1:00 PM and I still can't find those asshole pieces of shit. I guarentee you, when I find them (if I find them) I will write a journal again, talking about how happpy I am. But I'm not that happy now. I mean, I still have the feeling of Britta happiness in me right now but these damn glasses are ruining it for me. SHIT! Where the hell are they. I feel like I should just move on today and count on seeing them later, but I just can't. I can't go on like regular. It doesn't work. I had to resort to wearing dad's large, ugly glasses and I don't like them. Well, I gotta admit, they don't look terrible on me but I still am very mad because they are way to big for my face. Then I looked for contacts and I only found the right eye's contacts. I'm also agry because honestly, I don't want to be wearing dad's ugly glasses when I go to Britta's house on Friday. I'm going there after she sees a movie with a girl named Sara Fenland, a good friend of hers. I know we are going to have a blast but I don't want to look crazy. I know it won't hurt our friendship one bit but you understand, I at least want to look a little attractive. Well, I guess they don't make me look like a monster but I think I would look a lot better with my real glasses. WHERE ARE YOU YOU ASSHOLES OF NOTRADAM!!! GLASSES!!!!!!!!!! GLASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And at the beginning of the day, I had to look for my glasses and I needed glasses to do that! It's a catch 22 and a mother fucking sucky one. But that's when I just started to wear dad's. I'm so pissed off. But I got to say also, I do love my life. I am so lucky to have the life that I have. I sound like a stuck up brat worrying about glasses when so many people don't even have homes let alone glasses. I'm not sure if that sentence really worked with the let alone part but I want to vent. I WANT TO VENT!!! This is what I do when I'm mad and I'm typing. I DON'T CARE IF I'M STUCK UP!!!!!! I WAAAAAAAAAANT MY GLASSSSSSSSSSESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! I'm like a crying little baby. Why don't you asshole wipes just show up so I can break you for being such bad babies. I'm refering to my glasses. I know that once I find them (if I find them) I will lose all my hatred and kiss them and hug them and laugh and roll around on my bed, if I am near my bed. But then I'll probably ask myself, "Am I happy enough?" Fuck that shit. I don't care if I'm happy ENOUGH! I WILL HAVE FOUND MY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY GLASSES WHO ARE EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!! I did find the first Harry Potter today and kissed it in front of the mirror but then mom said she had already found it. That was a little depressing and she said she already told Whit. Well, I did leave him a funny message for Whit that said that I found the book. He called me back about that and I asked him about the glasses. He didn't know. Mom called dad about the glasses. He didn't know. I called dad about the glasses. He didn't know again. I yelled. I SCREAMED! I made a cool and cooky mother fucking DREAM MACHINE! That was a good song right there. I like it, but my glasses are gone. Oh, I am going to make a deal. I have to forget about the glasses for two hours. I have to completely forget about them. I will do everything regualary. This is a guarantee. WOW! This is going to be hard, but no it won't. I am making a deal with myself and I will do it. I am going to go downstairs and practice my piano and write songs and stuff. That is what I am going to do after this email and I am holding you to that. MAN, THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD!!!!!!!!! I have to have to have to do it. And I'm going to get a drink to suck on almost like a pasafier because I am so mad like a baby screamer. Ok, here I go. After I finish this email, I am going to go downstairs and start piano, TRYING MY GODDAM HARDEST TO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT THOSE IDIOTIC RUNAWAY GLASSES OF MINE!!! 1......2.......3.......NOW! I am not thinking of them anymore. Thinking of what anymore? Right, see, I'm starting. See you when I have found them. Found what? Ok, shut up with that, you already used that joke.

Current Mood: nauseated